Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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