is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Please don't give away my fajitas
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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