TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
