There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
