So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
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