it wasn't lemon gatorade
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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