I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
