Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
