I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
