NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
