I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
