and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
