I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
