He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
