I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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