I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Drunk is not a location!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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