he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
