My hair reeks of homosexuality.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
i now understand why vodka
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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