I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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