Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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