Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
