Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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