just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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