Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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