remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The feeling are messing with the penis
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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