where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
