Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
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MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
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He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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