if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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