You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
