i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
