I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
