I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
