Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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