If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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