My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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