i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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