Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
