you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
