if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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