just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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