I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
