my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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