Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
