Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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