I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
