sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
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i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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