its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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