All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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