Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
