so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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