Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You're like the curious george of whores
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
