God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
