it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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