I look better un-naked...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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