I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
