I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
