I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
